Harry Potter and the Counting of the Carbs
by Lauren Something
Summary: Dumbledore decides to put Hogwarts on the Atkins diet. Short, and to the point!


It all began the day Dumbledore realized he could no longer climb the stairs up to his office. He'd just become too darn fat eating all the foods those little house-elves sent up from the kitchens. Sure, he'd started with the candies they'd sent up, but it wasn't too long after that he started noticing how deliciously plump the house-elves themselves seemed.

Concerned, Dumbledore decided to do a quick evaluation of the health of all the inhabitants of Hogwarts Castle. 

"_Faticus Measurus_," he murmured, and his wand started churning out statistics.

Avg. Weight of Inhabitants: 210 lbs

Avg. Body Fat: 75 %

Avg. lbs. of food consumed in a day: 5 lbs

"Oh no," muttered Dumbledore, "it's worse than I imagined! I must see this for myself."

He set off for Gryffindor Tower, his hopes high. They were soon dashed, however, by the discovery that Neville could no longer fit through the portrait hole, as his body mass now surpassed that of the Fat Lady's. Hermione was beginning to resemble Madam Maxine, while still complaining of hunger. 

The next day, Dumbledore called an emergency staff meeting. It took 30 minutes for all the teachers to fit themselves through the door, and then another 10 to fix the chair McGonagall had sat on and inadvertently broken.

"Members of the Hogwarts faculty," Dumbledore began, "it has come to my attention that several of the residents of Hogwarts have developed...how shall I say this? Hyper obesity. Therefore -" Dumbledore cleared his throat " - I have decided to put everyone in the school on the Atkins diet."

Gasps went up form all around. "You mean...like...counting our carbohydrates?" Professor Trelawny asked fearfully. 

"Yes, Sybill, precisely," answered Dumbledore. "Each of us must take in no more than 20g a day of these wretched carbs."

"Like, OMG sir," said Snape, filing his nails. "That means, like, no bread or starch or pasta?"

"Yes, Severus, I'm afraid so," said Dumbledore, pondering what he was giving up. "But this nifty book I bought concerning the diet promises weight loss within two weeks!"

~ TWO WEEKS LATER ~

Snape eyed the sandwich greedily. It was full of carbohydrates...lovely, lovely, carbohydrates. He craved them, he needed them...his body longed for their tasty goodness. True to his word, he hadn't consumed more than 20g of carbs for the past two weeks, and he had lost the promised weight...but he felt as though he couldn't take it anymore. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the sandwich was snatched away from him. 

"Hey!" he yelled.

"Severus, I'm disappointed in you!" came Dumbledore's voice. "Why, look at me! I've stayed true to the diet, and I've lost 150 pounds!"

"That's only because you went to the Wand-O-Suction station," said Snape testily. 

"Regardless!" yelled Dumbledore. "I'm afraid, now, I will take it on myself to conceal these devilish foods from you."

"Noooooooooooooooo," cried Snape, and ran off down the corridor sobbing.

"And another thing, Severus!" Dumbledore called after him. "I'm adding 30 minutes of excersize a day to the diet plan!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Snape again, and pulled open the closest door he could find to escape the horror. To his increased shock, and aerobics class was taking place inside, a thinner, more muscular Hagrid leading the class.

"An' step. An' turn. All right, yeh got it! Come on now, step. An' turn. An' sliiiide. Very nice."

Finally, Snape couldn't take it any more. He gathered up a group of students wishing to rebel against the Atkins revolution, and together they went storming through the halls with torches and pitchforks and the like.

"We must find where Dumbledore's hiding the carbs!" Snape yelled to the group.

"YEAH!"

They marched and searched until they could march no more (about 10 minutes.). Desperately needing support, Harry Potter grabbed the first thing he could - a doorknob handle. Swinging it open, the company discovered everything they ever dreamed of - pastas with rich red sauce, deli sandwiches on thick bread, potatoes, bananas, everything! 

Glorified, the rebels began engorging themselves on the carb-y goodness, when Dumbledore came running.

"Wha - I - but -" All his hard work to hide the carbs in an out of the way closet was ruined. And now his castle would be fat again.

"But...I thought you WANTED to be thin!" he exclaimed. 

"We do," piped up Ron. "But we don't want to work for it."

"It's the American way!" yelled the American foreign exchange student, Bob.

"Well - oh bloody hell, I'll just pay for the wand-o-suction, then," Dumbledore conceded.

A great cheer went up from the crowd, and everyone was happy once again.


End file.
